A man walks into a joke.
My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.
What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around – I’ll go on ahead.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
What did the farmer say when he lost his plow? Hey! Where’s my plow?!?
What has two legs, but can’t walk? Half a dog.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What’s red and sits in a corner? A naughty strawberry.
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you in the corner.
what has four legs and one arm? a happy pit bull.
why do ducks have flat feet? to stamp out forest fires.
why do elephants have flat feet? to stamp out burning ducks.
how do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on it.
how do you catch a tame rabbit? tame way, duh. unique up on it.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig…
Two cannibals are talking. One says “I don’t like my mother-in-law.”
The other cannibal says “So just eat the noodles.”
[Make your hand into sort of a claw – like if your hand was a spider or bug – then put the back of your hand on a table or surface]
What’s this? (the back of your hand is on the surface)
A dead one of these. (put the tips of your fingers on that surface)