A man walks into a joke.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around – I’ll go on ahead.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What did the farmer say when he lost his plow? Hey! Where’s my plow?!?

What has two legs, but can’t walk? Half a dog.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

What’s red and sits in a corner? A naughty strawberry.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you in the corner.

what has four legs and one arm? a happy pit bull.

why do ducks have flat feet? to stamp out forest fires.
why do elephants have flat feet? to stamp out burning ducks.

how do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on it.
how do you catch a tame rabbit? tame way, duh. unique up on it.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig…

Two cannibals are talking. One says “I don’t like my mother-in-law.”
The other cannibal says “So just eat the noodles.”

[Make your hand into sort of a claw – like if your hand was a spider or bug – then put the back of your hand on a table or surface]
What’s this? (the back of your hand is on the surface)
A dead one of these. (put the tips of your fingers on that surface)

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