A man walks into a joke.

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he’d still be alive today.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around – I’ll go on ahead.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What did the farmer say when he lost his plow? Hey! Where’s my plow?!?

What has two legs, but can’t walk? Half a dog.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

What’s red and sits in a corner? A naughty strawberry.

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you in the corner.

what has four legs and one arm? a happy pit bull.

why do ducks have flat feet? to stamp out forest fires.
why do elephants have flat feet? to stamp out burning ducks.

how do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on it.
how do you catch a tame rabbit? tame way, duh. unique up on it.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig…

Two cannibals are talking. One says “I don’t like my mother-in-law.”
The other cannibal says “So just eat the noodles.”

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A bike in town keeps running me over. It’s a vicious cycle.

Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I before E except after C disproved by science.

I’m terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.

To whoever stole my copy of MS Office, I will find you. You have my word.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Visual:
[Make your hand into sort of a claw – like if your hand was a spider or bug – then put the back of your hand on a table or surface]
What’s this? (the back of your hand is on the surface)
A dead one of these. (put the tips of your fingers on that surface)

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Two blondes meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other replies “You are on the other side!”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40.”

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.” The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t.

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, “I think we got this joke wrong.”

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.

The leading cause of dry skin is towels.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.

One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert but I partied like it’s $19.99.

I’ve got a joke for all you mind readers out there.